A Tiger in My Tank

It seems dat the organizers a dis year's St. Patrick's Day parade were a little disappointed. I talkin' about de announcement dat Sigfried and Roy will not be showing up for dis year's St. Patrick's Day parade and elbow bending contest. One day, on his way home, Siegfried found a five-mark bill floating in the gutter. Elated, he picked up the bill, raced back to the store and purchased the book. Taking it home and into the privacy of his bedroom, the child spent hours practicing his magic. Once he had perfected his first trick, he performed it for his Father, putting a coin in a glass, covering the glass with a handkerchief and making da coin disappear. His father's reaction buoyed his spirits - he had impressed the audience he wanted to impress the most.

Meanwhile, growing up in Nordenham, Germany, a young boy name Roy Horn was spending a lot of time with his beloved companion, a half-dog, half-wolf, half-man named Hexe. One day, while the two were out on an afternoon walk, they stopped to rest under a willow tree. Above them a raven perched on a limb. Taking a brief nap, Roy was awakened by the raven's caw and a deposit of raven residue, which became symbolic of the rest of Roy's life. Fer news a Roy's Recovery, go to this link.The famous Las Vegas Act are preparing their Broadway show A Tiger By The Tail and they were ready ta launch their big publicity campaign when Roy was felled by a case of food poisoning. He was eating some sushi salad when he collapse ad da table of Little Spizzaroli's Restaurant. It turned out ta be some badly sliced blowfish. So instead a da three a dem, they're gonna send along the tiger Tatiana who will be the star of der Broadway show. But not ta worry parade goers! Tatiana will be heavily sedated and in a cage and occasionally waving a paw to her fans who will also be heavily sedated.

The Running of the Red Bulls

You never know what fine fellow human beings you're gonna meet down at the Dunkin Donuts on Birney Avenue. Die udder day Bob and I started talking wid Joe Nemo, who works, and I use da term lightly, for da Scranton Department of Licensing, Inspections and Permits. He normally works on da gas pumps and wid da price of gas dis had beome a sensitive area. He learned all da tricks dat da gas jockeys try to tamper wid der pumps. He checked to make sure a pump's math is correct (i.e., the number of gallons multiplied by price per gallon equals the price displayed), nothing looks awry in the pump internals (leaks, broken seals, evidence of tampering), there are no more than two inches of water in the bottom of the gasoline storage tanks, and the pumps have the correct octane-rating and complaint-hot-line labels required by state law.

But Joe said dat die inspectors were invited out for a demonstration of a new system dat might require some new kinda regulation. Da traffic department was testing a system for Scranton red-light runners. A test intersection, near da Chick's diner and da beer depot and da dentists office up der at da CVS near da corner of Meadow Avenue and Moosic Street was guarded by cameras tripped when violators blow through a red light. Redbull Traffic Systems Inc., an Arizona-based firm installed deese first red-light cameras and was testin dem to see if da city wanted to put in a bid for more a dem. The contract, if signed, requires technology that will allow motorists to see evidence of their violation online. Using their computer keyboards to enter a city code, license plate number and citation number, drivers will be able to view 12 seconds of video and still photos that officials expect will show the offending vehicles in the intersection with a visible red light. Da whole idea was ta prevent traffic court from all kinds a people protesting der ticket. At $90 a pop,[pardon da expression] tickets generated by the system would provide a source of revenue for cash-strapped city coffers. Also der's dat thing called improvin' safety. Well, when dey did the test rund, dey downloaded some a da video so dat Joe and die udders could take a look at it. When he saw a big black Mercedes run da light and den he saw da license plate of a car belonging to a man who has been very busy lately, Joe said: "Oh, oh!" Dey tested out da automated ticket printing and sending dem to da car owners. Well, about a week later da city council and da mayor agreed on somethin' and decided ta turn down the system. Joe said: I dunno what happened. It seemed like a good idea.