Dr. Robert Wolf, R.I.P.

Ole Doc Wolf died die udder day. He lived a long time, but finally da oldtimers disease got him. I have two differnt sets a memries a da Doc.
He was one a dose old fashioned GPs who made house calls and I was a little fraid a him because he was only called when I was sick and dose were never plesant memries. And he would often come over ta give us a shot a somethin, usually in an already sensitive spot a da anatmy. But later on after his retirement, I got ta know him as a friend and fellow canasta player. Doc had a special gift of humor, he was da master a da double intender as da French say. He had da ability ta blow a joke by telling da punch line at da beginning a da joke. He would say tings like "Did ya hear da one about da farmers daughter with acute angina?"
"Did ya hear da one about da ramrod: He shoved his ramrod up the barrel of the rifle."

"Did ya hear da one about da boy who masticated: He masticated over a hot plate for over an hour last night."
After a long sitting at da canata table he would say" "Boy, my coccyx is extremely sore .
"Did ya hear da one about da philatelist: Our mailman is an enthusiastic philatelist.
"Did ya hear da one about da fallacious woman : Who knew da girl was so often fallacious?
"Did you know that Uranus is bigger than Earth?"
"As a doctor I was unsure what the female organism looked like."
"Did ya hear da one about da pianist: The boy happily hugged his pianist, eager to start with playing the organ."
"Did ya hear da one about da rectory: The priest spent a lot of his time training altar boys in the rectory."
"I like to be kept abreast of developing situations."
"She broke his heart, right down to the cockles."
"The shipwrecked sailors became so ravenous they were forced to eat their fellow seamen."
"Elvira is a titular Halloween character."
"The cheerleading squad had to be penalized for their racy photos."
I'll miss da old coot.

Dunkirk

Ole Binky Brinkerman died the other day. You mightta seen his obitcheariy in da paper. He was one a my favorite storytellers down at da West Side Senior Citizens Center. Many an afternoon was spent over da canasta table tellin' stories and lies. There was this one that Binky told dat I tink I will never furgit. Binky had made a lot a money after da war with his various inventions and dis story had somethin ta do wid dat. He used ta live in Britain and got drafted inta da army durin WWII. His regiment a da BEF was assigned ta guard da derrriere( ta use da polite French word fer die abutment)of da troops dat were being evacuated on da beaches of Dunkirk. His regiment held out as long as dey could, but were mostly captured by da Germans. He hoped ta catch one a da last boats evacuating. Binky was desperate. Der was one British boat dat some a da local Frenchies were tryin ta get on but da Brits were keepin dem off. He noticed in da crowd one a da local girls from one a da houses (not a home) whose name was Louise. She had been a favorite a his, but we won't go into da sordide details udder dan ta say dat she was well-endowed. She smiled at him, hopin dat he could get her on da boat, but when da boat pulled out and left her on da dock, Bink noticed dat she turned around and pulled down what he called her knickers and dat tatooed across her derriere in big letters was a sign dat said. Objects may appeat ta be bigger than they actually are. Years later, after da war when Bink invented da magnifying rear-view mirror, he had dat phrase stenciled on every one a dem in memory a Louise. Dat's all. As dey say in French: Bon Jovi!

Driving in What Lane? Hey!

Did you ever run into somebody you hadanna seen in many years? Well, it happened ta me da udder day. I was crossing Wisteria Lane ta pick up the newspaper because our newspaper boy is dysrexic. He always throws the paper on da opposite side a da street where you live. Just as I bent down ta pick up da paper I got hit in the bum by a delivery truck. It turns out that da driver was Connie Leitzoff, somebody dat I knew from da fifth grade at St. Mary's in da Greenwood. She was working for ADD Messenger Service and as da cop filled out the accident report we talked about her job. She used ta be a newspaper girl in da fifth grade. We used ta pick on her a lot in da fifth grade cause she couldn't stay focused and she would always yell out Hey You! when she wanted ta talk ta you. Da company started out as a Newspaper Distribution Service. A.D.D. is a wholly-owned subsidiary of Shimmy and Shake Communications Inc. located in Scranton, Pennsylvania. Dey been successfully distributing local and out-of-town newspapers to retailers and businesses since 1998. Da list includes The Unterrified Democrat, The Daily Boomerang and Da Birmingham Eccentric
In the past year der large and diverse fleet of vehicles has enabled dem ta incorporate the added feature of courier and freight transport services primarily but not limited to da local and tri-state areas. Der customers play a key role in der success so providing the best service possible is der number one priority.
It's a cutthroat business she said cause there are so many competing messenger services like da newly opened one, Aristophanes Frog Hoppin Messenger Service, which was started by a Greek guy from Meshoppen, but den branched out ta Scranton and vicinity. He started out with bicycles but den went ta mopeds and it's easier ta hear dem cause dey sound like high pitched buzzing bees or masquitas, instead a guys grunting on mountain bikes.

I saw Connie again da udder day after da accident. Dis time I knew she was coming cause she yelled Hey, You! out da window a her ADD Van.

The Coal Miner's Halter

Well, me n da Hellkat decided ta take some udder trips, but dis time closer ta home so we went down ta da Eckerley Coal Miner village and got the full tour.Before the 1850s Eckley was not a mining town, but a rural, forested community called Shingletown. It was located on land owned by the Tench Coxe Estate. The inhabitants took advantage of the surrounding woodlands and made shingles to be sold in White Haven and Hazleton. These goods were traded for the necessities of life, such as “whiskey, port, and tobacco”.

In 1853, four prospectors came to Shingletown and found that the land contained several veins of coal. Within the year these four men, Richard Sharpe, Asa Foster, Francis Weiss and John Leistering, formed Sharpe, Leistering and Company, later known as Sharpe, Weiss, and Company. Judge Charles Coxe of Philadelphia, executor of the Tench Coxe Estate, granted the company a 20-year lease for the establishment and operation of a colliery on these 1,500 acres of land. In 1854 the company began work on this, the Council Ridge Colliery.

By autumn of 1854, the company had constructed a saw mill to provide lumber necessary for the colliery buildings, such as the breaker, stable, and store house. They also began building a village to house the colliery workers. The scattered forest dwellings of the residents of Shingletown were quickly replaced by two rows of red wooden frame houses with black trim. This new village was called Fillmore, presumably in honor of President Millard Fillmore who left office in 1853. Several years later, the company applied for a post office for their town and learned that a town in Centre County had already appropriated the name. As a result, the town was renamed Eckley in 1857 in honor of Judge Coxe’s eldest son, Eckley B. Coxe who was then 17 years old. In later years, Eckley Coxe, an engineer, became involved in the operations in the town of his name. The first residents of Eckley were mostly English and Welsh immigrants who came from the mines in Great Britain. There also were Germans living in the village who were brought to the colliery as engineers.

By the late 1850s and early 1860s these colliers were joined by groups of Irish farmers who had immigrated to America after the devastating potato famine in their homeland. The Irish were generally unskilled in the field of mining and so received the lowest-skilled, lowest-paying jobs. Over time, the Irish learned the skills of mining and moved into better-paying, higher-skilled jobs. By the time of the 1880s and 1890s the low-skill jobs were being taken by the new wave of immigrants from Eastern and Southern Europe. These groups included peoples from Slovakia, Poland, Ukraine, Lithuania, and Italy. Once again, the new immigrants took many years to develop the knowledge and skills to move into the higher-skilled positions in the colliery. Many of these immigrants came to America expecting to work in the mines just long enough to save money, buy land, and return to the farming lifestyle they had known in Europe. Once they became part of the company-owned system, however, very few were able to escape the years of poverty and hardship that faced them.

Dis musta made an impression on me cause dat night I had a mystical vision/dream again widdout da chili. It was more like a movie. Richard Harris played da main character named Elton, who was a veteran coal miner who had once been da pit boss, but now a terrible accident befell him. He fell down a deep shaft and got lots of cuts and wounds on his way down, but miraculously da hyperbaric pressure a da mine began ta heal his wounds and he crawled out after many days a climbing. It turned out dat it was his own fault fer not checking his black mining safety halter and so fer years he wore it as a kinda penance. He later married Mary who worked in da apothecary and dey had many children. At da end a da movie his picture appeared on a billboard over da North Scranton Expressway advertising da Lackawanna Coal Mine Tour. Wow, what a movie!

What I Did for My Summer Vacation

Part I

Well, me n da Hellkat had ta curtaintail our plans fer a summer vacation a liddle dis year cause a da gas prices and cause doze boyz from der Cornell Aeronautical Lab musta adjusted my carburetor ta accept da rocket fuel cause I was gettin' lousy mileage wid my Renault. So we decided to go up ta Naples New York ta see Helen's cousin Susie Q- she's a widder with artistic tastes. Speakin' a tastin we did the usual winetasting tours up der in da Finger Lakes area. We even took da special underground tour a da wineries which was ta see all da big vats and involved squeezin tru narrow passageways.Some a da darker spots where dey couldn't git da electric lights, we had ta use candles.
After dat Susie Q. took us over ta meet her new boyfriend, annudder artist whose name was Nicola Nerdavelli. He was one a dose performance artists. His latest project was ta have 500 people dressed up in Bacchus costumes with rustic grapevines all over dem and have them ride across the hillsides on dose souped-up Segways. I Wished him luck. Dat night I had a dream about angels singing, like dose fat Cherubs in dose Italian paintings. The angels were coming to earth, but dey were chased away by big grapes on Segways.

Breather

Well, da Hellcat aka my loverly wife Helen came down wid a touch a da bronchitis and we had ta take her inta da hospital. No, it wasn't da noodle on da lung dat Bob Lewandowski had a while back. After a few days stay dey gave her some antio-biotics and den dey gave her deese breathin' excersises ta do. Dey were funny. She made a face and den reached down and den let out dis deep breat while makin' a funny face. I couldn't help laughin, but she got mad and didn't see da humor in it. Well, later, we took a liddle ride up da Clark Summit and stopped in a big open field so she could do her breathin' exercises, but she scared da turkeys wid her facil expressions. So da farmer came running over to check out what was goin' on, so I tried ta explain to him and den I made da mistake a tryin ta tell a few a die old farmer jokes, not da farmer's daughter jokes. Dat was like telling a Polish joke at da Pulaski fire company convention.
Farmer Joke no. 1:
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
Farmer Joke no. 2:
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
Farmer Joke No. 3:
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

A Tiger in My Tank

It seems dat the organizers a dis year's St. Patrick's Day parade were a little disappointed. I talkin' about de announcement dat Sigfried and Roy will not be showing up for dis year's St. Patrick's Day parade and elbow bending contest. One day, on his way home, Siegfried found a five-mark bill floating in the gutter. Elated, he picked up the bill, raced back to the store and purchased the book. Taking it home and into the privacy of his bedroom, the child spent hours practicing his magic. Once he had perfected his first trick, he performed it for his Father, putting a coin in a glass, covering the glass with a handkerchief and making da coin disappear. His father's reaction buoyed his spirits - he had impressed the audience he wanted to impress the most.

Meanwhile, growing up in Nordenham, Germany, a young boy name Roy Horn was spending a lot of time with his beloved companion, a half-dog, half-wolf, half-man named Hexe. One day, while the two were out on an afternoon walk, they stopped to rest under a willow tree. Above them a raven perched on a limb. Taking a brief nap, Roy was awakened by the raven's caw and a deposit of raven residue, which became symbolic of the rest of Roy's life. Fer news a Roy's Recovery, go to this link.The famous Las Vegas Act are preparing their Broadway show A Tiger By The Tail and they were ready ta launch their big publicity campaign when Roy was felled by a case of food poisoning. He was eating some sushi salad when he collapse ad da table of Little Spizzaroli's Restaurant. It turned out ta be some badly sliced blowfish. So instead a da three a dem, they're gonna send along the tiger Tatiana who will be the star of der Broadway show. But not ta worry parade goers! Tatiana will be heavily sedated and in a cage and occasionally waving a paw to her fans who will also be heavily sedated.

The Running of the Red Bulls

You never know what fine fellow human beings you're gonna meet down at the Dunkin Donuts on Birney Avenue. Die udder day Bob and I started talking wid Joe Nemo, who works, and I use da term lightly, for da Scranton Department of Licensing, Inspections and Permits. He normally works on da gas pumps and wid da price of gas dis had beome a sensitive area. He learned all da tricks dat da gas jockeys try to tamper wid der pumps. He checked to make sure a pump's math is correct (i.e., the number of gallons multiplied by price per gallon equals the price displayed), nothing looks awry in the pump internals (leaks, broken seals, evidence of tampering), there are no more than two inches of water in the bottom of the gasoline storage tanks, and the pumps have the correct octane-rating and complaint-hot-line labels required by state law.

But Joe said dat die inspectors were invited out for a demonstration of a new system dat might require some new kinda regulation. Da traffic department was testing a system for Scranton red-light runners. A test intersection, near da Chick's diner and da beer depot and da dentists office up der at da CVS near da corner of Meadow Avenue and Moosic Street was guarded by cameras tripped when violators blow through a red light. Redbull Traffic Systems Inc., an Arizona-based firm installed deese first red-light cameras and was testin dem to see if da city wanted to put in a bid for more a dem. The contract, if signed, requires technology that will allow motorists to see evidence of their violation online. Using their computer keyboards to enter a city code, license plate number and citation number, drivers will be able to view 12 seconds of video and still photos that officials expect will show the offending vehicles in the intersection with a visible red light. Da whole idea was ta prevent traffic court from all kinds a people protesting der ticket. At $90 a pop,[pardon da expression] tickets generated by the system would provide a source of revenue for cash-strapped city coffers. Also der's dat thing called improvin' safety. Well, when dey did the test rund, dey downloaded some a da video so dat Joe and die udders could take a look at it. When he saw a big black Mercedes run da light and den he saw da license plate of a car belonging to a man who has been very busy lately, Joe said: "Oh, oh!" Dey tested out da automated ticket printing and sending dem to da car owners. Well, about a week later da city council and da mayor agreed on somethin' and decided ta turn down the system. Joe said: I dunno what happened. It seemed like a good idea.