The Road Trip

After the ribbin' I took from the guys down at Jimmy the Geek's garage, I wanted ta show da world dat da Yugo could do a road tip. Bob Lewandowski and his loverly wife Bubbles had been suggestin' dat we take a trip up ta wine country in da Finger Lakes. So I took da Yugo and Bob took his new Suburu Forester and we headed up Route 14 wis da wives and hit all the wine hot spots. We started drinkin or samplin if ya wanta be more Gentile, at da Fox Run Vineyards wid a liddle a da Fox Run Sparkling Wine, Riesling, Ruby Vixen Fulkerson Wine Cellars wid a liddle a da Pinot Noir Glenora Wine Cellars wid a liddle a da Gewurztraminer, J.Wiemer Vineyard Cuveé Brut Rosé 2003. Me n Bob were feelin no pain so da girls were worried about us, but we drove back down ta da Relax Inn in beauterful downtown Montour Falls at around sunset and dropped da girls off and me n Bob got inta da Yugo and decided to see what we could getter up ta. We headed down Route 414, but it was kinda residential so I kepr it kinda slow, but we came ta dis big oval racetrack and da gate was open so I figgered nobody'd mind if we used it fer a while. So we took a coupla spins around and den I letter rip and got it upta 87ph and den da whole muffler system blew off and we sounded like a rocket blastin off. Just den we were surrounded by a bunch a police cars from Montour Falls and Watkins Glen and were arrested fer trespassin, noise ordinance violations, drivin while intoxibrated, and violatin' da laws a physics, when dey saw dat I was drivin' a Yugo. We made bail and contacted a local law firm: 2 bald guys whose billboards and ads were all over New York State - The Law Firm of Carnage and Mayhem. Bob drove us back home in da Suburu and da last I heard da Yugo was being analyzed by scientists from da Cornel Aeronautical Laboratory

The Renault Scenic

The old car was makin' da noises in da back wheels so I took it down ta my mechanic Jimmy the Geek. I must be my cheerful disposition because the boys in da garage are always laughin' when I pullin with my tricked out Renault Scenic. Jimmy tells me dat it's da rear wheel cylinders. Dey will often need replacin at a major service time. The only way ta check fer dis is ta remove da brake drums and wheel hubs. If da brake fluid has been changed on time (every 2 years or 24,000 miles dis is much less likely to be a problem). Since I had no ideer what he was talkin' about I figured I had a problem. Da car has completed over 150,000 miles, he said da potential bill would be $250 per rear wheel, not includin' da labor, but dat I woudda had six monts ta wait fer da part ta come from da factory in Outer Uzbekistan. I said dis isn't gunna work. I'd da hada get a new car so I went down ta my friend Francisco's Used Mexican cars lot and he sold me another one ov his tricked out specials - a Yugo dat he had somehow brought up ta U.S. and Pennsylvania inspection standards. So I made a mistake a showin' off by bringin my tricked out Yugo down ta Jimmy's Garage. This launched a barrage a Yugo jokes, some a whic I can't repeat on a family show, but are da highlights or maybe lowlights:
Q: How do you upgrade a Yugo car? A: Put in an engine.
A. "TRADE IT FOR A TRABBANT"� (the late great East German "people's car")
A. "PARK IT NEXT TO A PORTAJOHN.....AND LEAVE IT UNLOCKED"
A. "CRUSH IT AND USE IT FOR TRACTION BALLAST IN YOUR BIG DOG Ford F-150 TRUCK"
Q: Why do Yugos have heated rear windows?
A: To keep your hands warm when you're pushing them.
Q: What goes on pages 4-5 of the Yugo user's manual?
A: The COLTS bus schedule.
A man goes inta Autozone: "Can I have a windshield wiper for my Yugo please?"
Parts man: "Yeah, dat seems like a fair swap."
Q: What is the sport-version of Yugo?
A: The driver wears Nike shoes.
Q: What do you call a Yugo at the top of a hill?
A: A miracle.
Q: What do you call two Yugos at the top of a hill?
A: A mirage.
Q: What do you call a Yugo with dual exhausts?
A: A wheelbarrow
Q: How do you double the value of a Yugo?
A: Half fill it with gasoline!
Q: How do you make a Yugo look good?
A: Park it between two Cadillacs!
Q: What to you call a Yugo with brakes?
A: Customized.
Q: What do you have to do if your Yugo gets in the way of a swarm of killer bees?
A: Stop pushing and take refuge in da car.
Q: What is da Yugo owner's most ardent wish?
A: To buy a car.
Q: How do you make a Yugo go faster uphill?
A: Throw out da passenger.
Q: How do you make a Yugo go faster downhill?
A: Turn off the engine.
Q: What do you call a Yugo with a flat tire?
A: A write off.