The Red Ferrari

by Pops McGonigle
loosely based on a story by H.E. Bates
Somewhere down da chain of in-laws der's a couple who have been in da news lately, so I'm gonna tell der story. The loverly Leslie Lacrimosa was da wife of Lee Lacrimosa. Lee worked as a luffa tester at the Procter and Gamble Specialties plant in Mehoopany. Leslie was a homemaker, but every once in a while she got bored wid dat and took a part time job or two. Lee developed an extra-curricular interest in Rhonda Rondazzo. Rhonda had been a star hockey player at Mehoopany Prep School mostly because she engaged in extra practice wid da coach Jack Spratt. Dey would stay after practice and kick da balls around fer a while. After graduating from Prep Rhonda became an insurance adjustor and specialized in complicated body work cases. Her career rose rapidly. She ran into Lee quite literally in the Procter and Gamble Employee parking lot and so as dey say a relationship developed on da car and da carnal level. Lee was drivin' a DaeWoo Tosca, but after da insurance check came from Rhonda's office, Lee was able to upgrade slightly to a nice red Ferrari. Rhonda continued ta drive her Honda Accordian. Leslie got suspicious of Lee when he kept gettin' cell phone calls during Deal or No Deal which dey like ta watch tagedder. Lee told Leslie dat der was an emergency down at da plant and dat he had ta check da luffas on Sadderday morning. Da next day Leslie followed Lee and saw his Ferrari parked outside a da Rondazzo Insurance Adjusting Agency which, unfortunately, had a picture uv Rhonda on da sign outside and Leslie remembered dat she had seen Lee with Rhonda several times before. She got so angry dat she took Lee's Ferrari. She had a set of keys fer it and drove it off inta da parkin lot behind Leahy Hall at da U where she proceded ta demolish Lee's car wid a tired iron. She left her car, da DaeWoo Tosca in front a da Rondazzo Insurance Adjusting Agency. When Lee walked out and saw her car he knew dat his days were numbered and Leslie filed fer divorce da next day. Lee lost his lucrative job as a luffa tester and da day he was ta collect his final paycheck, Rhonda ran over him wid her Honda and broke both his legs cause she had ta pay da bill fer da Ferrari and da rumor is dat Leslie and Lee are back together again, but wid crutches.
73's from Pops

Well, I got back ta Scranton from visiting my cousin Random McGonigle in Chicago. He was suffering wid da Big C and hadda have da chemo terapy, and according ta his last report when he called me da udder day, dey said dat he was going back into da readmission which was a good ting.
Dis all an da incident at da airport got me tinkin again about da four last tings and even do da lovely wife Helen aka da Hellcat, cooked a curry chicken fer dinner, I don't tink dat it was dat dat got me into a strange dream when I slept. In dis dream I died and went to heaven. When I got to the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter told me dat new rules were in effect due ta de advances in education on earth. In order to gain admittance, a prospecting Heavenly Soul must answer three questions:
1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T."
2. How many seconds are in a year? .
3. What is God's first name?

I thought for a few minutes and answered .....
"1. Da two days udda week dat begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow."
"2. Dere are 12 seconds in a year."
"3. God has two first names, and they are Andy and Howard."
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy Today and Tomorrow, even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct. But how did you get 12 seconds in a year and why did you ever think that God's first name was either Andy or Howard?"
I responded, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, etc." "OK, I give," said Saint Peter, "but what about the God's first name stuff?"
I said, "Well, from da song ... Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am his own ....., da prayer ... Ar Fadder, who art in Heaven, Howard be thy name ..."

Saint Peter let me in widout another word. I must say dat in my dream, da heavenly banquet was quite nice and da super burritos were even bedder dan da one's down at da newly opened Taco Bandido. 73's
from Pops.