Well, you probably thought that it was bound ta happen. I went fer drivin lessons. No not those kind of lessons--golf driving lessons. Me n Bob Lwandowski n Bubbles n my loverly wife Helen aka da Hellcat went down ta da Daleville Drivin range fer some exercise n and evenin of fun. I was havin such a hard time hittin da dang golf ball dat I tink I was ingineering myself in an inconspicuous place. I would hit da back of da rubber pad behind da ball and miss da ball entirely or I would just nick it slightly and it would dribble off da concrete stand. Da poor guy dat ran da drivin range took such pity on me dat he came over wid a special rubber tee dat he installed in da mat instead a da other one. He said I was tryin too hard ta imitate John Daly. Since I didn't know who John Daly was, I toght I would humorize him. He said He huffed and he puffed but John Daly couldn't drive a golf ball across the gorge at the Horseshoe Falls in a televised stunt a couple a weeks back. He said he smacked 20 balls from a platform at Table Rock in attempting to span the 342-yard distance to Goat Island in the Niagara River. Well dis was startin ta get my goat so I musterd up all da strength dat I had and really gave a ball a wallop and da tin took off in a line drive about two feet above da ground n den it hit di rock dat was der. It seemed ta be shaped like da head of Dan Dierdorf, da guy day announced Monday Night Football n den it careemed off da rock and hit me right in da head before I hadda chance ta duck. Da boys n girls from da Daleville Volunteer Ambulance Corps was very kind ta me and I shook der hands and tried ta remember der names, since dis was a new ambulance staf fer me. Da staff at da CMC was very familiar ta me me and dey were quite kind, specially Dr. Abda and DeNaples. He tried ta sell me a motorcycle, but dat's a story fer another time.
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We went out da udder night ta celebrate my birtday and we went ta one a dem Italian pastie places. It was up der offa da Carbondale highway Giovanni's Room or sumthin and da HellCat aka my loverly wife Helen said dat she was gonna pay fer da whole meal. Dis was better dan die usual August extravaganza of goin down to da St. Hedwig's parish picnic fer some funnel cakes. It's kinda hard ta put da candles in da funnel cakes and cause I git so many candles itsa kina fire hazard. Well da Hellkat invited Bob and Bubbles fer da celebration and der was a lotta people at da restaurant and dey even had a band dat was playing dat kind a pop music. Well, after da meal I got talkin ta one a da band members. He was the alto saxophone player and his name was Henry Kowalczyk and he usta be wid a polka band dat played at pikniks, so we got talkin about dat. Henry usta be in da Marines and he was kinda gung ho as dey say. As dey got up ta play some more one a da kids dat was at one a da udder tables came up and threw a meat ball down the front uv his alto horn. Before I hadda chance ta warn him, he began blowin on da horn and dis meatball goes flyin across da room and hits some big guy in da face and den he starts comin over and grabs me and starts chokin me because he tink dat I tossed it at him and den Henry jumps on him ta pertect me and den da Hellcat jumps in swing her purse which weighs as much a small elephant Bubbles demonstrated she had a mean uppercut. And den dis big fight breaks out and dey come from da D.C. Police and da Fire Department and I see some friendly old faces as dey put me in da Ambulance. Just some bruises.
73's from Pops