Well, da Hell Kat, aka my loverly wife Helen, has been sayin' dat I'm hangin around da house too much and dat I should get out and do somethin useful. She said why don't you go back ta dat drama group dat you were so involved wit. Dey were around any more, but der was annudder group dat was lookin' fer actors. Goshawful Players said dey were goin' ta spezialize in da works of George Bernard Shaw, but for der premiere production dey were gunna do somethin wid a local flavor. Da Director and playwright was Franco Fortinelli and da name a da play was West Side a Scranton. He gave us a summary a da plot. I got da main male lead and Wanda Brevoffska got the female lead.

The grand poolhall in the club house of the Capless gang. A fiesta is in progress. Rybalt speaks to Hairless about Juliet, who at that moment appears wid her father. The Capless gang bids the guests welcome and to be of good cheer -- wid a few wise comments trone in.

Chromeo,[he's called dat cause he likes a lotta chrome on his low-rider] Mercurio, Benvolio, and half-a-dozen other gang members come masked. Despite the deadly feud between the two gangs, they, da Montabanks, have ventured to come as maskers to the fiesta of the Capless gang. The Montabanks withdraw to another part of the club house. Juliet returns with Gertrude, her nurse. The nurse is called away. Chromeo, wandering in, meets Juliet. Their love is instantaneous. Chromeo addresses her in passionate accents wid a lotta heavy breathin'.
Upon the re-entry of Rybalt, Chromeo, who had removed his mask, again adjusts it. But Rybalt suspects who he is, and from da udderance of his suspicions, Juliet learns that the handsome youth, to whom her heart has gone out, is none other than Chromeo, member of the Montabank gang, the sworn enemies of her gang. The fiery Rybalt is for attacking Chromeo and his followers then and there. But the fiesta proceeds.

Act II, Part I. Here takes place the wedding of Chromeo and Juliet, the good preacher, Fr. Jim, hoping that their union may lead to peace between the two great gangs of Montabanks and Capless.

Part II. Friends of the two rival gangs appear. Mercurio fights Rybalt and is slain, and is avenged by Chromeo, who kills Rybalt, Juliet’s fellow gang member, by hittin' him over da head wid a large chrome fender dat he was plannin' ta put on his wheels.

Hardly has Chromeo gone into exile when da nurse runs in to warn Juliet dat her father is approaching with da preacher. Rybalt’s dying wish, whispered into his ear, was that the marriage between Juliet and the noble Count Hairless, be speeded up. Juliet’s father comes to tell her to prepare for the marriage. Neither she, the preacher, nor the nurse dare tell him of her secret nuptials with Chromeo. It is then the preacher gives her the potion, upon drinking which she shall appear as dead. Juliet drains the vial, falls as if dead. But unfortunately whatever was in da stage potion caused Wanda ta get a bad case a da hiccups on da night a da show, so dat in Act III at da tomb of the Capless Chromeo, having heard in his exile that his beloved is no more, breaks into the tomb. He is supposed ta stab himself and she, recovering from the effects of the potion, finds him dying, is supposed ta plunge a dagger into her breast, and expires with him. But da hiccups turned da tragedy into a comedy. It turned into a great hit wid da local bar crowd.

Dr. Robert Wolf, R.I.P.

Ole Doc Wolf died die udder day. He lived a long time, but finally da oldtimers disease got him. I have two differnt sets a memries a da Doc.
He was one a dose old fashioned GPs who made house calls and I was a little fraid a him because he was only called when I was sick and dose were never plesant memries. And he would often come over ta give us a shot a somethin, usually in an already sensitive spot a da anatmy. But later on after his retirement, I got ta know him as a friend and fellow canasta player. Doc had a special gift of humor, he was da master a da double intender as da French say. He had da ability ta blow a joke by telling da punch line at da beginning a da joke. He would say tings like "Did ya hear da one about da farmers daughter with acute angina?"
"Did ya hear da one about da ramrod: He shoved his ramrod up the barrel of the rifle."

"Did ya hear da one about da boy who masticated: He masticated over a hot plate for over an hour last night."
After a long sitting at da canata table he would say" "Boy, my coccyx is extremely sore .
"Did ya hear da one about da philatelist: Our mailman is an enthusiastic philatelist.
"Did ya hear da one about da fallacious woman : Who knew da girl was so often fallacious?
"Did you know that Uranus is bigger than Earth?"
"As a doctor I was unsure what the female organism looked like."
"Did ya hear da one about da pianist: The boy happily hugged his pianist, eager to start with playing the organ."
"Did ya hear da one about da rectory: The priest spent a lot of his time training altar boys in the rectory."
"I like to be kept abreast of developing situations."
"She broke his heart, right down to the cockles."
"The shipwrecked sailors became so ravenous they were forced to eat their fellow seamen."
"Elvira is a titular Halloween character."
"The cheerleading squad had to be penalized for their racy photos."
I'll miss da old coot.

Dunkirk

Ole Binky Brinkerman died the other day. You mightta seen his obitcheariy in da paper. He was one a my favorite storytellers down at da West Side Senior Citizens Center. Many an afternoon was spent over da canasta table tellin' stories and lies. There was this one that Binky told dat I tink I will never furgit. Binky had made a lot a money after da war with his various inventions and dis story had somethin ta do wid dat. He used ta live in Britain and got drafted inta da army durin WWII. His regiment a da BEF was assigned ta guard da derrriere( ta use da polite French word fer die abutment)of da troops dat were being evacuated on da beaches of Dunkirk. His regiment held out as long as dey could, but were mostly captured by da Germans. He hoped ta catch one a da last boats evacuating. Binky was desperate. Der was one British boat dat some a da local Frenchies were tryin ta get on but da Brits were keepin dem off. He noticed in da crowd one a da local girls from one a da houses (not a home) whose name was Louise. She had been a favorite a his, but we won't go into da sordide details udder dan ta say dat she was well-endowed. She smiled at him, hopin dat he could get her on da boat, but when da boat pulled out and left her on da dock, Bink noticed dat she turned around and pulled down what he called her knickers and dat tatooed across her derriere in big letters was a sign dat said. Objects may appeat ta be bigger than they actually are. Years later, after da war when Bink invented da magnifying rear-view mirror, he had dat phrase stenciled on every one a dem in memory a Louise. Dat's all. As dey say in French: Bon Jovi!

Driving in What Lane? Hey!

Did you ever run into somebody you hadanna seen in many years? Well, it happened ta me da udder day. I was crossing Wisteria Lane ta pick up the newspaper because our newspaper boy is dysrexic. He always throws the paper on da opposite side a da street where you live. Just as I bent down ta pick up da paper I got hit in the bum by a delivery truck. It turns out that da driver was Connie Leitzoff, somebody dat I knew from da fifth grade at St. Mary's in da Greenwood. She was working for ADD Messenger Service and as da cop filled out the accident report we talked about her job. She used ta be a newspaper girl in da fifth grade. We used ta pick on her a lot in da fifth grade cause she couldn't stay focused and she would always yell out Hey You! when she wanted ta talk ta you. Da company started out as a Newspaper Distribution Service. A.D.D. is a wholly-owned subsidiary of Shimmy and Shake Communications Inc. located in Scranton, Pennsylvania. Dey been successfully distributing local and out-of-town newspapers to retailers and businesses since 1998. Da list includes The Unterrified Democrat, The Daily Boomerang and Da Birmingham Eccentric
In the past year der large and diverse fleet of vehicles has enabled dem ta incorporate the added feature of courier and freight transport services primarily but not limited to da local and tri-state areas. Der customers play a key role in der success so providing the best service possible is der number one priority.
It's a cutthroat business she said cause there are so many competing messenger services like da newly opened one, Aristophanes Frog Hoppin Messenger Service, which was started by a Greek guy from Meshoppen, but den branched out ta Scranton and vicinity. He started out with bicycles but den went ta mopeds and it's easier ta hear dem cause dey sound like high pitched buzzing bees or masquitas, instead a guys grunting on mountain bikes.

I saw Connie again da udder day after da accident. Dis time I knew she was coming cause she yelled Hey, You! out da window a her ADD Van.

The Coal Miner's Halter

Well, me n da Hellkat decided ta take some udder trips, but dis time closer ta home so we went down ta da Eckerley Coal Miner village and got the full tour.Before the 1850s Eckley was not a mining town, but a rural, forested community called Shingletown. It was located on land owned by the Tench Coxe Estate. The inhabitants took advantage of the surrounding woodlands and made shingles to be sold in White Haven and Hazleton. These goods were traded for the necessities of life, such as “whiskey, port, and tobacco”.

In 1853, four prospectors came to Shingletown and found that the land contained several veins of coal. Within the year these four men, Richard Sharpe, Asa Foster, Francis Weiss and John Leistering, formed Sharpe, Leistering and Company, later known as Sharpe, Weiss, and Company. Judge Charles Coxe of Philadelphia, executor of the Tench Coxe Estate, granted the company a 20-year lease for the establishment and operation of a colliery on these 1,500 acres of land. In 1854 the company began work on this, the Council Ridge Colliery.

By autumn of 1854, the company had constructed a saw mill to provide lumber necessary for the colliery buildings, such as the breaker, stable, and store house. They also began building a village to house the colliery workers. The scattered forest dwellings of the residents of Shingletown were quickly replaced by two rows of red wooden frame houses with black trim. This new village was called Fillmore, presumably in honor of President Millard Fillmore who left office in 1853. Several years later, the company applied for a post office for their town and learned that a town in Centre County had already appropriated the name. As a result, the town was renamed Eckley in 1857 in honor of Judge Coxe’s eldest son, Eckley B. Coxe who was then 17 years old. In later years, Eckley Coxe, an engineer, became involved in the operations in the town of his name. The first residents of Eckley were mostly English and Welsh immigrants who came from the mines in Great Britain. There also were Germans living in the village who were brought to the colliery as engineers.

By the late 1850s and early 1860s these colliers were joined by groups of Irish farmers who had immigrated to America after the devastating potato famine in their homeland. The Irish were generally unskilled in the field of mining and so received the lowest-skilled, lowest-paying jobs. Over time, the Irish learned the skills of mining and moved into better-paying, higher-skilled jobs. By the time of the 1880s and 1890s the low-skill jobs were being taken by the new wave of immigrants from Eastern and Southern Europe. These groups included peoples from Slovakia, Poland, Ukraine, Lithuania, and Italy. Once again, the new immigrants took many years to develop the knowledge and skills to move into the higher-skilled positions in the colliery. Many of these immigrants came to America expecting to work in the mines just long enough to save money, buy land, and return to the farming lifestyle they had known in Europe. Once they became part of the company-owned system, however, very few were able to escape the years of poverty and hardship that faced them.

Dis musta made an impression on me cause dat night I had a mystical vision/dream again widdout da chili. It was more like a movie. Richard Harris played da main character named Elton, who was a veteran coal miner who had once been da pit boss, but now a terrible accident befell him. He fell down a deep shaft and got lots of cuts and wounds on his way down, but miraculously da hyperbaric pressure a da mine began ta heal his wounds and he crawled out after many days a climbing. It turned out dat it was his own fault fer not checking his black mining safety halter and so fer years he wore it as a kinda penance. He later married Mary who worked in da apothecary and dey had many children. At da end a da movie his picture appeared on a billboard over da North Scranton Expressway advertising da Lackawanna Coal Mine Tour. Wow, what a movie!

What I Did for My Summer Vacation

Part I

Well, me n da Hellkat had ta curtaintail our plans fer a summer vacation a liddle dis year cause a da gas prices and cause doze boyz from der Cornell Aeronautical Lab musta adjusted my carburetor ta accept da rocket fuel cause I was gettin' lousy mileage wid my Renault. So we decided to go up ta Naples New York ta see Helen's cousin Susie Q- she's a widder with artistic tastes. Speakin' a tastin we did the usual winetasting tours up der in da Finger Lakes area. We even took da special underground tour a da wineries which was ta see all da big vats and involved squeezin tru narrow passageways.Some a da darker spots where dey couldn't git da electric lights, we had ta use candles.
After dat Susie Q. took us over ta meet her new boyfriend, annudder artist whose name was Nicola Nerdavelli. He was one a dose performance artists. His latest project was ta have 500 people dressed up in Bacchus costumes with rustic grapevines all over dem and have them ride across the hillsides on dose souped-up Segways. I Wished him luck. Dat night I had a dream about angels singing, like dose fat Cherubs in dose Italian paintings. The angels were coming to earth, but dey were chased away by big grapes on Segways.

Breather

Well, da Hellcat aka my loverly wife Helen came down wid a touch a da bronchitis and we had ta take her inta da hospital. No, it wasn't da noodle on da lung dat Bob Lewandowski had a while back. After a few days stay dey gave her some antio-biotics and den dey gave her deese breathin' excersises ta do. Dey were funny. She made a face and den reached down and den let out dis deep breat while makin' a funny face. I couldn't help laughin, but she got mad and didn't see da humor in it. Well, later, we took a liddle ride up da Clark Summit and stopped in a big open field so she could do her breathin' exercises, but she scared da turkeys wid her facil expressions. So da farmer came running over to check out what was goin' on, so I tried ta explain to him and den I made da mistake a tryin ta tell a few a die old farmer jokes, not da farmer's daughter jokes. Dat was like telling a Polish joke at da Pulaski fire company convention.
Farmer Joke no. 1:
On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

To which the farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"
Farmer Joke no. 2:
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
Farmer Joke No. 3:
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear. The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket. It went in one ear and out the udder.

A Tiger in My Tank

It seems dat the organizers a dis year's St. Patrick's Day parade were a little disappointed. I talkin' about de announcement dat Sigfried and Roy will not be showing up for dis year's St. Patrick's Day parade and elbow bending contest. One day, on his way home, Siegfried found a five-mark bill floating in the gutter. Elated, he picked up the bill, raced back to the store and purchased the book. Taking it home and into the privacy of his bedroom, the child spent hours practicing his magic. Once he had perfected his first trick, he performed it for his Father, putting a coin in a glass, covering the glass with a handkerchief and making da coin disappear. His father's reaction buoyed his spirits - he had impressed the audience he wanted to impress the most.

Meanwhile, growing up in Nordenham, Germany, a young boy name Roy Horn was spending a lot of time with his beloved companion, a half-dog, half-wolf, half-man named Hexe. One day, while the two were out on an afternoon walk, they stopped to rest under a willow tree. Above them a raven perched on a limb. Taking a brief nap, Roy was awakened by the raven's caw and a deposit of raven residue, which became symbolic of the rest of Roy's life. Fer news a Roy's Recovery, go to this link.The famous Las Vegas Act are preparing their Broadway show A Tiger By The Tail and they were ready ta launch their big publicity campaign when Roy was felled by a case of food poisoning. He was eating some sushi salad when he collapse ad da table of Little Spizzaroli's Restaurant. It turned out ta be some badly sliced blowfish. So instead a da three a dem, they're gonna send along the tiger Tatiana who will be the star of der Broadway show. But not ta worry parade goers! Tatiana will be heavily sedated and in a cage and occasionally waving a paw to her fans who will also be heavily sedated.

The Running of the Red Bulls

You never know what fine fellow human beings you're gonna meet down at the Dunkin Donuts on Birney Avenue. Die udder day Bob and I started talking wid Joe Nemo, who works, and I use da term lightly, for da Scranton Department of Licensing, Inspections and Permits. He normally works on da gas pumps and wid da price of gas dis had beome a sensitive area. He learned all da tricks dat da gas jockeys try to tamper wid der pumps. He checked to make sure a pump's math is correct (i.e., the number of gallons multiplied by price per gallon equals the price displayed), nothing looks awry in the pump internals (leaks, broken seals, evidence of tampering), there are no more than two inches of water in the bottom of the gasoline storage tanks, and the pumps have the correct octane-rating and complaint-hot-line labels required by state law.

But Joe said dat die inspectors were invited out for a demonstration of a new system dat might require some new kinda regulation. Da traffic department was testing a system for Scranton red-light runners. A test intersection, near da Chick's diner and da beer depot and da dentists office up der at da CVS near da corner of Meadow Avenue and Moosic Street was guarded by cameras tripped when violators blow through a red light. Redbull Traffic Systems Inc., an Arizona-based firm installed deese first red-light cameras and was testin dem to see if da city wanted to put in a bid for more a dem. The contract, if signed, requires technology that will allow motorists to see evidence of their violation online. Using their computer keyboards to enter a city code, license plate number and citation number, drivers will be able to view 12 seconds of video and still photos that officials expect will show the offending vehicles in the intersection with a visible red light. Da whole idea was ta prevent traffic court from all kinds a people protesting der ticket. At $90 a pop,[pardon da expression] tickets generated by the system would provide a source of revenue for cash-strapped city coffers. Also der's dat thing called improvin' safety. Well, when dey did the test rund, dey downloaded some a da video so dat Joe and die udders could take a look at it. When he saw a big black Mercedes run da light and den he saw da license plate of a car belonging to a man who has been very busy lately, Joe said: "Oh, oh!" Dey tested out da automated ticket printing and sending dem to da car owners. Well, about a week later da city council and da mayor agreed on somethin' and decided ta turn down the system. Joe said: I dunno what happened. It seemed like a good idea.

The Frog and the Butterfly

Well we got da usual Christmas activities down at da Westside Senior Citizen Center. So I went down to a talk by Jean Gingerello. She was a motivational speaker and her topic was "How ta cope wid da Hollyday Stress" I was a very interesting talk with a lot of practical suggestions about staying motivated and uplifted, but der was a particular moment in da program dat lifted me up. She was talking about a female iceskater who used practical objects as motivation cymbals. She said, or I taught she said, she wore a little picture of a frog on one boob to motivate her ta leap high like a frog and a butterfly on da udder boob to motivate her ta land like a butterfly. I raised my hand ta ask da oblvious question on which boob was da frog da left or da right? Laughter broke out and den she said that she had said boot, not boob. I said maybe you shouldda said skates. Boy I gotta get my hearing checked.

Christmas Cheer

We have with us today a special guest:
Shameless Hickey, poet laureate of the Westside Trombone and Elbow Bending Marching Society with apologies to the unknown author of the lyrics to O Tannenbaum and the unknown composer of the music

O Christmas Duck! O Christmas Duck!
Your wings are so uplifting;
O Christmas Duck! O Christmas Duck!
Your wings are so uplifting;
Not only do the hunters shoot,
But also the owls don’t give a hoot.
O Christmas Duck! O Christmas Duck!
Your wings are so uplifting!

O Christmas Duck! O Christmas Duck!
Much pleasure you have given me;
O Christmas Duck! O Christmas Duck!
Much pleasure you have given me;
How often has the Christmas Duck
Afforded me the greatest luck!
O Christmas Duck! O Christmas Duck!
Much pleasure you have given me.

O Christmas Duck! O Christmas Duck!
Your quacks honk so madly!
O Christmas Duck! O Christmas Duck!
Your quacks honk so badly!
Then fly away out of range
And then your honks won’t sound so strange.
O Christmas Duck! O Christmas Duck!
Your quacks honk so badly!

O Christmas Duck! O Christmas Duck!
How richly God has flecked you!
O Christmas Duck! O Christmas Duck!
How richly God has respected you!
From bay to river fly so high
You are a gift I cannot buy
O Christmas Duck! O Christmas Duck!
Cause I can’t give a flying duck.

White Water At Last

Well, da Hell Kat aka my loverly wife Helen came up wid a new Chinese food recipe which she said she just hadda try out on me. You know where this is goin' already. It was Chinese Chicken Curry. I said dat dat sounds a liddle dangerous mixin' da Indian stuff like curry wid da Chinese stuff. She said dat dey do it all da time. So it turned out ta be quite delicious and I finished off a big glass of Royal Crown Cola and den a prune juice, which combo I call da Royal Flush and den when I went ta da batroom ta shake da lew off the dilly I got quite a shock. Da pee was comin out in all kinds a colors like blue and green and a kinda funky purple. I musta screamed cause da Hell Kat screamed and I said call da ambulance. Dr. Lou down in da emergency room said dat der was nothing ta worry about if der was no blood; it was just some kinda chemical reaction. College kids do dis fer pranks he said. Large quantities of blue curacao or creme de menthe work for blue and green. A few drops of methylene blue can turn urine anywhere from light green to dark blue, depending on how much you use. It's often used as a prank. Dr. Lou suggested dat I go ta da urologist ta be sure and after da analysis, da doctor, Dr. Richard Hertz, said da chemicals have been showing up in various foods or food additions imported from China. I felt relieved and dat night I had a dream of a Chinese guy dressed sorta like Charlie Chan in dose old movies. He threw some powder over da Yellow River and it turned white and da Chinese began screaming and yellin and runnin' in all directions. It was quite a scene. I felt much better da next day.
Chinese Chicken Curry Recipe
6 tablespoons oil
1 medium onion, chopped
2 tomatoes, chopped
2 tablespoons curry powder
2 tablespoons soy sauce
2 teaspoons minced peeled fresh ginger
2 garlic cloves, minced
1 teaspoon ground turmeric
1 teaspoon chili powder
1/2 pound boiling potatoes, cut into 1-inch cubes
1 cup canned chicken broth
1 tablespoon dry white wine
2 pounds boneless skinless chicken breast halves, cut into 2-inch pieces
Salt and pepper

Heat 6 tablespoons oil in wok or heavy large skillet over medium-high heat. Add onion and stir-fry until translucent, about 5 minutes. Add tomatoes and next 6 ingredients and stir 4 minutes. Mix in potatoes, broth and wine. Cover and simmer 10 minutes. Add chicken; cover and cook until potatoes are tender and chicken is cooked through, about
10 minutes. Season to taste with salt and freshly ground pepper.

The Road Trip

After the ribbin' I took from the guys down at Jimmy the Geek's garage, I wanted ta show da world dat da Yugo could do a road tip. Bob Lewandowski and his loverly wife Bubbles had been suggestin' dat we take a trip up ta wine country in da Finger Lakes. So I took da Yugo and Bob took his new Suburu Forester and we headed up Route 14 wis da wives and hit all the wine hot spots. We started drinkin or samplin if ya wanta be more Gentile, at da Fox Run Vineyards wid a liddle a da Fox Run Sparkling Wine, Riesling, Ruby Vixen Fulkerson Wine Cellars wid a liddle a da Pinot Noir Glenora Wine Cellars wid a liddle a da Gewurztraminer, J.Wiemer Vineyard Cuveé Brut Rosé 2003. Me n Bob were feelin no pain so da girls were worried about us, but we drove back down ta da Relax Inn in beauterful downtown Montour Falls at around sunset and dropped da girls off and me n Bob got inta da Yugo and decided to see what we could getter up ta. We headed down Route 414, but it was kinda residential so I kepr it kinda slow, but we came ta dis big oval racetrack and da gate was open so I figgered nobody'd mind if we used it fer a while. So we took a coupla spins around and den I letter rip and got it upta 87ph and den da whole muffler system blew off and we sounded like a rocket blastin off. Just den we were surrounded by a bunch a police cars from Montour Falls and Watkins Glen and were arrested fer trespassin, noise ordinance violations, drivin while intoxibrated, and violatin' da laws a physics, when dey saw dat I was drivin' a Yugo. We made bail and contacted a local law firm: 2 bald guys whose billboards and ads were all over New York State - The Law Firm of Carnage and Mayhem. Bob drove us back home in da Suburu and da last I heard da Yugo was being analyzed by scientists from da Cornel Aeronautical Laboratory

The Renault Scenic

The old car was makin' da noises in da back wheels so I took it down ta my mechanic Jimmy the Geek. I must be my cheerful disposition because the boys in da garage are always laughin' when I pullin with my tricked out Renault Scenic. Jimmy tells me dat it's da rear wheel cylinders. Dey will often need replacin at a major service time. The only way ta check fer dis is ta remove da brake drums and wheel hubs. If da brake fluid has been changed on time (every 2 years or 24,000 miles dis is much less likely to be a problem). Since I had no ideer what he was talkin' about I figured I had a problem. Da car has completed over 150,000 miles, he said da potential bill would be $250 per rear wheel, not includin' da labor, but dat I woudda had six monts ta wait fer da part ta come from da factory in Outer Uzbekistan. I said dis isn't gunna work. I'd da hada get a new car so I went down ta my friend Francisco's Used Mexican cars lot and he sold me another one ov his tricked out specials - a Yugo dat he had somehow brought up ta U.S. and Pennsylvania inspection standards. So I made a mistake a showin' off by bringin my tricked out Yugo down ta Jimmy's Garage. This launched a barrage a Yugo jokes, some a whic I can't repeat on a family show, but are da highlights or maybe lowlights:
Q: How do you upgrade a Yugo car? A: Put in an engine.
A. "TRADE IT FOR A TRABBANT"� (the late great East German "people's car")
A. "PARK IT NEXT TO A PORTAJOHN.....AND LEAVE IT UNLOCKED"
A. "CRUSH IT AND USE IT FOR TRACTION BALLAST IN YOUR BIG DOG Ford F-150 TRUCK"
Q: Why do Yugos have heated rear windows?
A: To keep your hands warm when you're pushing them.
Q: What goes on pages 4-5 of the Yugo user's manual?
A: The COLTS bus schedule.
A man goes inta Autozone: "Can I have a windshield wiper for my Yugo please?"
Parts man: "Yeah, dat seems like a fair swap."
Q: What is the sport-version of Yugo?
A: The driver wears Nike shoes.
Q: What do you call a Yugo at the top of a hill?
A: A miracle.
Q: What do you call two Yugos at the top of a hill?
A: A mirage.
Q: What do you call a Yugo with dual exhausts?
A: A wheelbarrow
Q: How do you double the value of a Yugo?
A: Half fill it with gasoline!
Q: How do you make a Yugo look good?
A: Park it between two Cadillacs!
Q: What to you call a Yugo with brakes?
A: Customized.
Q: What do you have to do if your Yugo gets in the way of a swarm of killer bees?
A: Stop pushing and take refuge in da car.
Q: What is da Yugo owner's most ardent wish?
A: To buy a car.
Q: How do you make a Yugo go faster uphill?
A: Throw out da passenger.
Q: How do you make a Yugo go faster downhill?
A: Turn off the engine.
Q: What do you call a Yugo with a flat tire?
A: A write off.

Making Ice Cream in a Time of Global Warming

I intended to go to a lecture on humor in the Catholic Church, but I must have had the wrong room number because I ended up in a lecture on Astronomy and Physics. It was given by an Irish sounding professor with flamin red hair who spoke excitedly and bounced around a lot with lots of energy:
Astronomers have found an enormous void in space that measures nearly a billion light-years across.

It is empty of both normal matter - such as galaxies and stars - and the mysterious "dark matter" that cannot be seen directly with telescopes.

The "hole" is located in the direction of the Eridanus constellation and has been identified in data from a survey of the sky made at radio wavelengths.

The discovery will be reported in a paper in the Astrophysical Journal.

Previous sky surveys that have traced the large-scale structure of the nearby Universe have long shown, for example, how the clustering of galaxies is strung into vast filaments and sheets that are separated by great gaps.

But the void discovered by a University of Minnesota team is about 1,000 times the volume of what would be expected in typical cosmic gaps.

"It's hard even for astronomers to picture how big these things are," conceded Minnesota's Professor Lawrence Rudnick.

"If you were to travel at the speed of light, it would take you several years to get to the nearest stars in our own Milky Way galaxy; but if you were to go to this hole and enter one side, you'd have to travel for a billion years before you would get to the other side," he told BBC News.

The void is roughly 6-10 billion light-years away and takes a sizeable chunk out of the visible Universe in its direction.

Dark evidence

The team used data from the US National Radio Astronomy Observatory's VLA Sky Survey (NVSS) to make its discovery. The VLA - which stands for Very Large Array - is a collection of 27 radio telescopes in New Mexico.

The finding is said to fit neatly with observations of the Universe's "oldest light" - the famous Cosmic Microwave Background (CMB) radiation, the study of which has earned several scientists the Nobel Prize.

This is the radiation that comes from just 380,000 years after the Big Bang when the Universe had cooled to such a degree that hydrogen atoms could exist. Before that time, scientists say, the Universe would have been so hot that matter and light would have been "coupled" - the cosmos would have been opaque.


THE CMB - OLD AND COLD
CMB (Rudnick et al., NRAO/AUI/NSF, NASA)
Nasa Probes have mapped the Cosmic Microwave Background which is all around us in space
This radiation from the infant Universe shines at weak radio (microwave) wavelengths
The maps show up tiny temperature fluctuations - the mottled colours above
These fluctuations correspond to the early distribution of matter in the fledgling cosmos
Nasa's WMap satellite sees a cold spot lying in the path of the newly found void

'Ancient light' takes Nobel
Today, this light shines at microwave wavelengths at a frigid -270C; and observations of the CMB made by Nasa's Wilkinson Microwave Anisotropy Probe show a particular "cold spot" in the direction of the newly identified void.

The explanation for this may lie in the enigmatic "dark energy" that scientists know so little about but which is said to be accelerating the expansion of the Universe.

Light particles passing through the void would be expected to lose a little more energy than those passing through space cluttered with matter - if dark energy is stretching the Universe apart at a faster and faster rate.

Scientists refer to this as the Integrated Sachs-Wolfe Effect and a corresponding "warm spot" in the CMB associated with an area of space dominated by a supercluster of galaxies was identified some years ago.

"In essence, this latest study gives us a very elegant demonstration of the existence of dark energy in a way which is very convincing," commented Professor Carlos Frenk, the director of the Institute for Computational Cosmology at Durham University, UK.

"We keep getting evidence for dark energy, this component of the Universe which is so dominant, and yet we still have only a tiny glimmer of what it could be."

The reason the void exists is not known. "That's going to be a challenge for people that work on the development of structure in the Universe. It's a very hot topic in the cosmology right now," said Professor Rudnick.
this space of nothing (reminds me of one of Stanislov
Lem's "Robot Tales" (trans to Eng as "The Cyberiad") where
a scientist creates a machine that can destroy anything
starting with (i think) the "letter" n. (plays MP sketch
on continuous repeat while dusts off maths part of me brain)..

So, let's see

1 billion (is that 10^9 - ie, US usage of "billion" or
10^12 ?)
regardless - assuming 10^9.... (notice those handy little decimal points!! ;)

Milky Way Gallaxy is about 30_000 LY's across (lenght-wise; pls ahem me if i'm wrong).

So, that works out to about 33_000 MW Galaxy's across.

The Earth (see map) is about 13_000 km across and is about 150M km from the sun,

So, we could stretch out a line of 11645 Earths from earth-orbit to the sun
and that space would STILL be THREE TIMES that large - relatively.

Or, The distance to the nearest star is 4-1/3 light years (Alpha Centauri - or is
that Barnard's star?) anyway,

(puts tounge in side of mouth and squinches up right eye,
raises left-eyebrow "Spock"-like)

300_000 km /sec * 31*10^7 secs / year gives 9.3 trillion (10^12) km/LY

So, Alpha centauri is about 40 Trillion km away

The solar system is about 10 AU (Astronomical units across - dist from earth to sun)

I think that works out to about 3300 SOLAR SYSTEMS from here to Alpha Centari
and this BIG NOTHINGNESS (Perhaps we should be calling it MISTER NOTHINGNESS?
Or are nothingnesses considered female? - nether?)
is STILL TEN TIMES that.

Now for the punch line:

If only we send a probe there - after all, with that much nothingness
(like the article sed) the physics would REALLY be ultra-FLAT space!
Just imagine being able to try to detect gravity waves there!

Or of course, prob those nasty real estate people would step in and the
next thing you'd know is there'd be a McDonalds on every other corner.

The Shad(e)y Lady

Bob and Bubbles Levandoski decided ta go down ta Florida ta take advantage of the low rates during da hot summer. They planned to stay at the same motel where they spent their honeymoon years earlier, The Shadey Rest Inn. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate der travel plans. So, Bob left Minooka and flew to Florida on Tursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

Bob checked into da motel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided ta send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally added one letter in her email address, which is shadylady@aol.com, maybe because a da influence a da motel name, and without realizing his error, sent the email. The arrival a dat email Bob learned about from a repl;y email sent ta him a few days later. It seems dat, somewhere in Houston, a widow named Yvette Shade had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister, the Rev. Larry Shade who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages a conderlences from relatives and friends. After reading the first message which was from Bob, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son, Gary Shade rushed inta da room, found his mother on da floor, and saw da email from Bob on da computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

I wan ta apolergize a right now fer last week's domission a da repeat broadcast. Dat was just da ninth ur tenth ting dat I fergot durin da week. I went down ta da doctor ta have my brain checked out and I tole him dat I was havin trouble remembering tings. He said Did ya remember ta pay dat last bill I sent you? Asked me a long list of questions and den he ran it through some kinda scannin machine--da answer paper went in back and forth and scanned dose little dots dat ya fill out wid a no. two pencil. Den he looked at the results on da computer screen and said dat I had a type short term memory loss dat was called ambinesia- I forget tings dat just happened and I can't remember tings dat I am supposed ta do in da near future. He said not ta worry. He said just take some a dat ginko balboa and try not ta forgit ta take it.
Dis all reminded me a sometin dat happen to my fadder: Grandpops McGonigle. He and his wife were gunna celebrate der fiftieth anniversary and he went down ta see da Monsignor at St. Mary's in da Greenwood ta say a Mass fer de anniversary. Da Monsignor said sure and Grandpops said he had a special favor ta ask: could he say a few words at da ceremony, given da state of divorce and tings like dat. The Monsignor said sure. He asked do You have any special celebration planned? Well evry year, granpops said, I take her on a trip . Fer our twenty-fifth I took her to Ireland. And what are ya gunna do fer da fiftieth, the monsignor asked. I' m Plannin anudder trip ta Ireland ta pick her back up.

The Smaller Set

Today's blog and popcast is sponsored by an underwriting grant from Pee Wee's Towing and Auto Repair.
The loverly wife Helen, aka the Hell Cat, noticed that I was getting a little restless wid de upcoming holiday and all da grillin dat had ta be done, so she said why don't you stop worrying about it and go and do sumthin useful fer somebody. The Fourth of July was coming up, and so I went down ta da West Side Country Day school ta volunteer ta help da liddle brats, no I mean cooking da brats on da grill you know, da knockwursts. The nursery school teacher, Helen Pikonis, took da opportunity to tell da class about patriotism. "We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free." One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said. . . .
"I'm not free. I'm four."

Gone Fishin'

Da Hellcat aka my loverly wife Helen has been pestering me to go on a vacation this year. I tried ta argue wid her dat the price of gas is too high and we couldn't go very far from home den. Bob Lewandowski says ta me dat we can use his cottage on Lake Wapwallopenhouseafeathers. He says that given his condition a recuperation he is unable ta get up der fer a while and I could do him a big favor by staying up der fer a while and get the house all set up for when he can get up der. He says that I can use all his fishin gear. Well, since I like ta fish, I says OK. Da Hellcat can relax and do whatever she wants up der. I likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read. The first day we spent setting up da place fer Bob. But da next morning I go out fer several hours of fishing and I caught nothing but flies and bug bites, I decides to take a short nap. Although she isn't familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and o continues ta read her book. Along comes the game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside her and says,"Good morning, Ma'am, what are you doing?" "Reading my book," she replies, thinking isn't that obvious? "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?" "Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," says the woman. "But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden. "That's true, but you do have all the equipment." MORAL: Never argue with da Hellcat, ya can't win.
73's from Pops

Dee Air Dat I Breed

Bubbles Lewandowski Bob's loverly wife, formally known as Bubbles Breedlove, called me on der phone dee udder night. She said dat Bob was in da hospital and dat it was serious. Da doctor said dat der were tree noodles on his lungs and dat dey might have ta operate or get a biopsy or someting like dat. So I went down ta da hospital ta see Bob. He looked pretty good. I askered him how he was feeling and he said pretty good considering da incidence. I could wait fer dee udder slipper ta drop so I said wad incidence? Bob said dat earlier in da day dey were hookin him up ta one a deese inhlation terapy machines and da terapist was named Bob Sufletoski, who was kinda bald, and he was chattin wid him and saying how was dat a coincidence dat he was named Bob too and dat he was sorry dat he dee udder Bob was goin bald. Well, just at dat point dee udder Bob musta hit da wrong switch and instead a pumpin' medicine into his lungs da machine began ta vacuum out Bob's lungs. Bob said dat he couldn't breed and dat he passed out and he said it was like one a my mystical vision. He was swimming way unner da water and he couldn't breed and he looked up and saw a bright white object. No, it wasn't da light at da end a da tunnel. It was a big white balloon, no it was two white balloon, den dey turned inta his loverly wife Bubbles who was wearing a white dress and she was bobbin ta da surface and she was pullin him up and den Bob woke up. It turns out dat dey had actually sucked out da tree noodles from his lungs and dat he was completely cured. It would only be a few days a observance der in da hospital and he could go home. Bob decided not ta sue dee udder Bob because he was cured, but he said it was hard dat afternoon ta get rid a da raft a lawyers dat had come ta his room and wanted him ta sue dee udder Bob. I said it was a good ting dat you weren't being operated on by a proctologist named Doug. When I went back ta visit Bubbles, she attributed dis all ta to da miraculous intervention a Saint Mavis who wa da saint in charge a workin' lung miracles. She had been prayin ta her real hard. It musta been a miracle.
73's
from Pops